The Five Worst Types of Student on Zoom

For those unfortunate enough to be a student over the last year, Zoom-based learning has brought with it a new way of life - of learning, interacting, and behaving. This has led to the establishment of Zoom etiquette and decorum, a whole new set of unspoken rules which *some* individuals can't help but tear apart. Here are the worst of them all, in descending order:

5. Mr Unprepared

This one sits at number five because, I admit, at times this has been me, especially at home where I've got less motivation to graft than Adam Johnson in an adults-only nightclub. Usually remaining silent in seminars to avoid detection, when put into a breakout room they immediately announce their laziness before fucking off and letting everyone else do the work. Maybe if you went to bed before 3am for once you might actually be able to contribute something of value. (And yes, that final line is aimed at myself.)

Favourite phrase: "I'll be honest guys, I haven't watched the lecture yet."

4. See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

Also known as the Ghosts of Zoom Present, these apparitions sneak in and out of seminars without ever saying a word or being seen. You'll never catch these people without their cameras and mics off, unless they're unlucky enough to be picked on - to this, they will of course reply by mumbling about 5 words before re-disappearing into the void.

Favourite phrase: "..."

3. The Self-Made Breakout Room Leader

This very specific breed of student disguises themselves as a normal in the main room, before turning into a monster when placed in a breakout group. Upon arrival, they immediately seize control as if they were some 17th Century monarch with a God-given right to rule over their fellow subjects. This is usually a ploy to show off their supposedly fabulous wealth of knowledge - though of course, they always end up making the most basic point possible as if they've just solved cold fusion.

Favourite phrase: "So what does everyone think?" (Before proceeding to talk over anyone who dare challenge their authority)

2. The Classic Teacher's Pet

Some stereotypes never die. The format may be different, but some people always stay the same, with their heads firmly up the arse of any lecturer or seminar leader they come across. They love nothing more than *interacting* with staff in every way possible, emailing lecturers every 5 minutes with a 'follow up question', or asking for recommendations for 'extra reading'. Despite all this, they'll still only get a 2:1 at the end of it, unless of course they sleep with their dissertation supervisor (which they DEFINITELY would).

Favourite phrase: "Yes, I do have one question actually..." (Cue unnecessarily long discussion about something completely irrelevant)

1. The Egomaniac

And finally we come to my personal pet peeve in any Zoom call. These absolute specimens, typically Americans, love nothing more than the sound of their own voice, and will take any and all opportunities to do so. Their favourite hobby is answering every question, putting their virtual hand up incessantly before giving a long-winded and largely irrelevant answer. I was once forced to listen to someone, DURING A LECTURE, speak for TWO FULL MINUTES before ending with, "Do you agree with me?". The only thing bigger than the over-inflated senses of self-importance that these individuals possess is the slap I'd love to give every single one of them. Especially the American ones.

Favourite phrase: Anything that comes out of their mouth.

If there is any chance you could be one of these people, I strongly recommend you sort your life out before attending any more Zoom classes. Please, for the benefit of the rest of us, have some self-awareness. And always remember - being at home is no excuse for being an unbearable git.

#Zoom #LockdownUni #OnlineLearning